“The way to an American’s heart is through his belly,” Christie reported to the Associated Press, between mouthfuls of a dipped rye sandwich at Jerry’s Deli. “If America has the stomach for me, I have the guts to stand up for them.”
Christie’s primary campaign focus will be attention to America’s economy and pressing social issues. The Governor maintains that America cannot fight its way out of a recession on an empty stomach.
“Think about it, when do you do your best thinking? It is when you are on the toilet, taking a sh*t! That is when America is at its best, full of some greasy Jack-N-The-Box or Taco Bell, or even better a super-sized, trans fat laden with beef tallow from some 1980’s Reagan Era McDonald’s Fries.”
Christie vows that if he is elected president, that not only will he give McDonald’s a tax break if the restaurant chain starts using the addictive and fattening beef tallow they added to their fries in the 1980s, but he will also undo all the damage caused by Michelle Obama’s ‘healthy kids initiative’.
“Our kids are so damned dumb because they are going hungry in schools. College dropout rates are up, less kids are going to college and our elementary scores have fallen behind the next 20 developed nations. It’s because we are cutting out things like Snickers and Lil’ Smokies and Mac in lunch, forcing kids to eat salads and all that crap. Aspartame? Hello, we are talking brain damage! Give me a fizzy Mountain Dew and a side of Twinkies, please. That is what our kids need, trans fat energy food and brain food.”
In a recent poll, over 68% of Americans say they would probably vote for Christie in an upcoming presidential election.