No comments yet

Florida Man Uses Affluenza Defense After Slapping Poor College Student In The Street, Demanded He ‘Shine My Shoes Real Good Boy’

Naples, Florida – A Florida man is shocked about all the local uproar after reports he slapped a Florida State freshman student he saw walking on the street.

“Now I is what I is,” William ‘Big Jo’ Atchison said in his interview.  “This is all being blown out of proportion.  I am rich.  Old money.  That is what people are not understanding here.”

The backstory started after Atchison took a companion for an evening stroll down Naple’s affluent Main Street.  While in the high-end shopping district, Naples saw a  ‘young Afro-American man dancing a touchdown jive’ near an intersection, so he did what came naturally.

“I slapped the boy and told him to get a real job!” Atchison exclaimed.  “People in the street had the nerve to give me dirty looks and call me names.  I tried to explain to them that I am old money and am the inherited owner of the old Atchison Plantations of Snellville, Georgia.  I came from old tobacco money and invest in oil futures.  I vote Republican.  I’m gentry.  It is all okay.”

naples florida manAs the shocked young man, identified as Camden Matthews of Lower Doniphan county, recovered and stood back up, Atchison thought to offer him some ‘good advice’.  “If you want to earn some money, don’t be dancing like a Sally with your do-rag on your head.  Here, shine my shoes.”

Atchison reportedly flipped a quarter at Matthews, who by this time had righted himself and was recording everything on his iPhone.  “It was surprising enough that he actually slapped me.  But then he told me to shine his shoes.  I couldn’t believe this is really happening, but this for sure is going on my Vine.”

Matthews reports he was actually exercising his legs for his intramural fraternity frisbee football league.  “Every year after finals, we have a massive ICR frisbee tourney.  It is pretty fun.  I didn’t expect that old guy to pack such a hateful punch.”

Police responded to the scene and decided to not arrest Atchison, who has a net worth of $19.4 million.  “After investigating the scene, we determined Athison’s wealth was reason enough to let him go and we would not need to arrest him and then protect his actions under stand-your-ground laws.”

Matthews says he may consider taking legal action, but is just happy that finals are over for the semester and that Atchison did not shoot him for wearing his suspicious looking do-rag.