Gays Unleash Lust Inducing Pink Smoke Over the Vatican, Terrified Cardinals Forced To Open Windows in Panic
A gay-rights group known as The Homogay Agenda has purportedly made its presence known in the Vatican. According to sources, a group of ornately dressed men and women were seen in the rolling foothills of the Vatican, southwind of Saint Peter’s square in the Vatican. Onlookers watched as the group quickly stripped off their garments and flayed about with one another, several of them breaking off from the impromptu sinful flesh festival they were throwing to burn what appeared to be giant, pink incense candles.
It quickly became apparent that the group was not burning simple incense candles, as several explosions of homosexually pink smoke took to the air.
Moments later, their agenda was clear as they chanted “It’s no joke, we want a gay friendly pope!”. Pink smoke covered the air of the Vatican. Flockers ran away horrified, screaming and with eyes burning. One nuclear family who stood in proxy was dragged into ground zero of the gay smoke attack. On onlooker tweeted that the father of the family began stripping off his clothing, the mother soon after, and they began to make out with men and women.
Another group of Sigma Chi faithful was seen in the square, being dragged into the thickets of smoke by obviously gay men who had painted symbols of pink triangles onto their bodies. The Sigma Chi ‘bros’ were also brought under the spell of the smoke, as they quickly became lusty and thrusty, kissing each other and forgetting the morality of Catholic tradition.
Our scientific fellow Aaron Albright predicts the pink smoke was laced with some form of ‘ethereal Ecstasy and likely marijuana, causing [the trapped families and fraternity men] to become compliant and aroused to do whatever the protest group wanted them to do.
Syndicated columnist Ann Coulter, a former Delta Gamma, said she has already heard from headquarters that a group of twenty or so “DG’s” were caught in the smoke and suddenly started to do ‘crazy, lesbian acts, right in proxy to the popes’. Thickets of the gay-inducing smoke wafted into the very building were cardinals are meeting in locked door secrety to elect a new pope.
Some onlookers say it sound like praying, but others said within the last few hours, they have heard stifled, grunty noises coming from within and they can only hope that the cardinals have not fallen under the spell of the smoke looming over the Vatican.
Eric de la Hanna, the director of the Gay’s Ordination Conference, helped stage the protest and stated,
“The current old boys’ club has left our Church reeling from scandal, abuse, sexism and oppression…. The people of the Church are desperate for a leader who will be open to dialogue and embrace the gifts of women’s wisdom in every level of Church governance.”
Miriam Duggan, Communications coordinator of the association ‘Gays can be priests’ said,
“The Catholic church should be a healthy and vibrant place with equality, with both men and women, homosexuals or heterosexuals, called to the priesthood. Jesus did not exclude anyone. Jesus encouraged all people and actively sought to include them…. So why do the cardinals who are supposed to represent Jesus, make a point of actively excluding everyone, of telling them to be quiet? And of criminalising anybody that speaks out in favour of homosexually friendly priests?”
The results of the group’s actions remains to be seen. Many unaffected have been told to pray for strong gales to descend from the heavens, blowing out the gay-inducing smoke to Italy or other areas where it will do less harm than the Vatican. So far, no such winds have descended and the crowd grows anxious, hoping that the smoke trick is not part of a larger conspiracy theory to elect a potentially gay pope.