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God’s Winter Storms Destroy 90% of All Marijuana Crops, Scare Colorado Marijuana Shop Owners Into Shutting Down

God Declares Cold War on Marijuana, Destroys 90% of Plants in America

“God is no longer playing around and p*ssyfooting with us, this winter weather proves he’s f*cking serious about not smoking marijuana. That’s it. I’m out. I’m closing my store.”

The words by 23-year-old Braxton Sanchez, of Denver, Colorado, mirror that of many other marijuana dealers in the state. Only days after Colorado legalized store sales of marijuana, the entire Midwest region of the country has been tormented by -30 degree windchills, icy roads and power outages.

The National Weather Service shows exactly where God is taking up his Cold Front against marijuana.

In the map at the left, you can see God is flanking the marijuana-basted states of the East Coast with a right-winged jet attack of iced Arctic Air.  Just one crisp blow of these Arctic winds, and marijuana leaves shrivel up and die.

You can see I’ve labeled this the ‘Current Arctic Outbreak’ and the pot-consumers of the East Coast are frigid and desperate, stuck in their ratty apartments and condos, wondering if their farmers back in Colorado and Kansas (who specializes in the dangerous methajuana, or Krokodil) are being attacked.

Just be warned, marijuana-heads.  God is declaring a Cold War on America’s marijuana crops, so you shall be at the front of his attacks.  Please, just unbury your crops and burn them as a sacrifice before your Lord and Savior.

Please, behold the wrath of God!