I am A Christian Pastor Who Just Tried Marijuana Weed for First Time

Starlight adrift as my body trembled beneath the passion of two hookers, I could not get the whispers of Satan out of my ears.  I felt sultry.  Seductive.  Dirty.

This was only after one sniff of marijuana.

The Devil’s lettuce, Satan’s herbal medicine, the magical mint.  It goes by many names and now, it was infecting me.

My friends, I can now say for a fact that marijuana is the most addictive, dangerous, lust inducing substance on Earth.  After my sermons and web lectures on how marijuana is to blame for all the flooding in Colorado and other adverse weather, some of my colleagues told me to stuff it and that I know nothing of the drug.

You radical liberals continually scolded me, saying conservative science could not be trusted to explain how weed infects the mind and body, serving as a potential gateway drug to heroin prostitution, welfare and death.  I flew my personal jet to Colorado this weekend, to volunteer my vital prayer services there to those in need, and came across several people who read my article about God drenching Colorado to get rid of all the weed being grown there.

While in Rome, I decided to do what Romans do, so to speak.  This was just like Jesus break bread with the bedroom Jezebel, this time instead of eating I was sniffing the dope.  And friends, that is really all it takes to get ‘high’.

As I walked into the room where the hashish party was taking place, I immediately felt Satan seeping into my nose and clouding my mind.  Red became blue.  Yellow became black.  Everything had a pink hue to it, almost like looking through a kaleidoscope and finding yourself face to face with an old Pink Floyd video.

Marijuana is a psychedelic wormhole to hell.

Some lusty looking hookers tried to subdue my manflesh but fortunately, I had not directly inhaled any of the vapors and was able to keep my wits about me.  Pink stars begin swirling around my head and I saw the constellation of Ares, a sure sign of Ba-al — Satan’s bull form — trying to infect me to do insidious things with the sorority girls hitting on me.

I managed to stumble out of the room after five minutes, knees shaking at the contents of my lunch spewing from my mouth.  I always carry holy water with me and I vigorously splashed it at the doorway and the women trying to ‘help me’ as I wretched.  “Be gone, sinners, be washed of your sins!” I yelled as I ran away in the hallway, taking quick sips of the holy water to cleanse my body.  I could not get to my personal car soon enough.  I immediately ordered my driver take me back to my hotel and after I sale a few more prayer cloths and CDs of encouragement to people here, I plan to fly back home and go into this experience a bit more.

Parents, if you have kids in college in Colorado, they are doing these weed parties, spreading STD, getting addicted and getting pregnant.  Give them impromptu visits and if you suspect they have been smoking the hasish, then just refuse to sign any more loans and force them into a school in a state where this illicit, seductive substance is 100% illegal.  Amen.