After watching the Broncos play for the last three weeks, I can confidently say that there is a 95% chance Peyton Manning is hopping up on marijuana before each and every game. There is no way on Earth a man aged 37-years is playing like he does without a little synthetic help.
Suspicions about Manning’s usage of marijuana were aroused after Peyton bought 21 Denver-area Papa John’s Pizza restaurants, the greasy, cheaply priced food that’s favored among stoners with the munchies. The suspicions elevated to alarmed conjecture after doctors suddenly named a strain of ‘genetically altered marijuana’ after the Manning brothers.
Evidence Exhibit A
The new strain is called “Sativa dominate” and somehow, scientists have infused each leaf with human growth hormone, testosterone and enough creatanine to make Lou Ferrigno look like a starved weakling. That high-pitched hairline and smug, smarmy face is the face of Peyton Manning and the advertisement for this new PED is blatant.
Evidence Exhibit B: 7 Touchdowns in a Single Game
Not even Al Bundy of television sitcom lore could muster over 7 touchdowns in a single game. Real, hardworking men like Joe Namath, Mark Ripkin and the legendary Fran Tarkenton would audibly laugh out loud if you told them a near 40-year-old quarterback would casually toss 7 touchdowns in a single game, then claim he was not cheating.
Peyton Manning (Photo credit: Greece Trip Admin)
Quarterback Joe Kapp was the last person to throw for 7 touchdown passes in a single game, and even that record is dubious and potentially explained by lax rules in those days and 60s era drug binges that were allowed. It is nearly impossible for a quarterback to get 7 touchdowns in a single game
, so impossible that over 20,000 games (counting each quarterback) and 43 years have taken place since the record was last achieved.
There is simply no way Peyton Manning is that good, unless he is hopping up on Salvia dominate.
This is no different than when Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa was belting out homeruns and we did not look closely enough.
Evidence Exhibit C: Logic
If your wide-eyed agent comes running up to you, excitedly jumping up and down, telling you that you’re able to live in any city you want and play quarterback for any team you want, would you pick living in Denver and playing for the Broncos?
Let’s get real. Denver is one step up from Detroit, Michigan. The city reeks of reefer madness and the Broncos shall forever have the stench of John Elway, Ed McCaffery and Shannon Sharp plaguing them. There is no escape from the shameful legacy of Broncos past, so why would Peyton not go to a more honorable franchise like the Giants, Chiefs or even the Cowboys?
Who would pass up a chance to play in America’s greatest city of New York, a humble and respectable Midwest town like Kansas City or play for God’s former favorite team, before Aikman retired, the Cowboys.
No sane quarterback would go to Denver, unless they wanted to be at ground zero for this new stem-cell infused performance enhancing marijuana.
Next week, I am praying for Peyton to tweak his sore ankle and for the Broncos to fall to the Eagles. If Peyton can overcome my prayers and the prayers I will have my congregation use against him, then we clearly know something Satanic is afoot and I am 95% certain is PEM.