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Miracle at Mile High: Marijuana-free Broncos Destroyed by San Diego Chargers

 San Diego Chargers (7-7)     27 – 20   Denver Broncos (11-3)

I hate to say I told you so, but stripped of marijuana wafting into the stadium the Broncos were but mortal men, looking their age and clearly greatly hobbled by the rigors of the 2013 NFL season.

[adsense]Watching this Bronco’s game was a bit like being Batman, looking on as an aged, weakened R’as-a-Ghul (Peyton Mannnig) struggled to crawl toward his Lazarus Pit, needing just one good soak in his performance enhancing ‘nectar’ to feel youth yet again and bring tyranny unknown against his adversaries.

Oh, yes, one could only take pity as we watched Manning’s legions at Mile High cry as a powerful Kennan Allen easily hurdled over the Bronco’s defense like a graceful gazelle defying the jaws of a hungry wolf.  Knowshon Moreno looked on with green envy from the sideline, wondering where it all went wrong.

Where did it all go wrong?  Take a look:

Chargers' Keenan Allen Hurdles a Broncos Defender on His Way into End Zone

With abilities above that of a human, we can see Keenan Allen defy Earth’s gravitational force like a heroic Captain America, moral adrenaline letting him leap nearly ten yards (30 feet) over a Bronco’s defender and into the endzone.

But look closer.  Closer!

Not even the great Michael Jordan or Clyde ‘The Glide’ Drexler could hang in the air that long!  I’ve seen Olympians perform in person, and not one has shown ability to fly for this long.  This is not Christ leaving the apostles and appearing in air, so what on Earth is a mortal man hanging in the ether for so long?

What is going on here?  Karma, plain and simple.

I have long told everyone that marijuana is a performance enhancing drug.  If you do the math, you will note that Peyton Manning and the Broncos drastically improved when the state of Colorado voted, for some odd reason, to legalize Satan’s lettuce on the street.  Why would any self-respecting state do such a thing?

Secret look at Bronco’s playbook. Look at all the complex science that Peyton Manning is drawing up on the sideline. A normal football player wouldn’t be able to draw all this up, but in a marijuana-rich environment we see Manning is just another yuppy Ivy-league Harvard-Stanford-Princeton marijuana-liberal happy supergenius.

This season is the reason why and the people of Colorado are actually brilliant in a way for doing this.  Before every game, Broncos fans sit outside the stadium and just wildly smoke all their little spliffy diffys and such, slinging them in beer, brats and everything else that is tailgated.

The smoke wafts into the stadium, where the Broncos (who train in marijuana heavy conditions) are powered up.  It’s like Captain America and his super=soldier serum, Popeye and his spinach:  when marijuana is present, the Broncos are unstoppable.

We’ve seen Moreno break through six Chief’s tacklers only weeks ago at the stadium.  We’ve seen Peyton Manning throw impossibly accurate passes on the run, casually toss 70-yard rifle tosses off his injured ankle and so on.  We’ve seen Coach John Fox and Manning over on the sidelines, drawing up complex physics equations and doing differential calculus, just to decide what angle Manning should throw his next touchdown pass.

These mental and physical manifestations are symptomatic of a performance enhancing drug:  marijuana.  Its presence gives the initiated an unfair mental and physical edge.  The Broncos are proof of this fact.  No team can be as good as them, without a little extra sauce helping them out.

I am just glad to see that this week, with the Thursday night game, a strong Arctic wind came from the North and literally blew all the drug smoke away from the stadium.   Let’s not forget San Diego is very marijuana friendly, so the Chargers are already somewhat ‘leveled up’ themselves, but not as blatantly as the Broncos.  That explains the 30-foot touchdown jump we saw in this game.

Whatever the case, it is great to see the Broncos lose and get a taste of their own ‘medicine’, in front of a national audience.   Not that I am biased or anything here.