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Monsanto Selling Gluten Free Marijuana In Colorado

Residents of Aurora, Colorado, smoke copious amounts of gluten-free marijuana over the weekend.  Unlike normal marijuana, gluten-free marijuana is non-allergenic and carcinogenic, but this comes at the cost of being highly addictive.  

Aurora, Colorado – As you know, marijuana is the most dangerous and annoying drug of all time.  So when the villainous Monsanto joins in with it, there most be a dark, sheistery corporate dollar to be made from it. The scientists at the corporation have allegedly found a way to create gluten-free marijuana strains.

According to sources from Colorado who have smoked this new salacious herb, it ‘smokes like pot but packs the punch of LSD’. It turns out, all marijuana is laced in gluten.  This is why people with gluten allergies should always vote against marijuana legislation.

Many people who think they are suffering from lung conditions like emphysema or COPD are actually just suffering from pot-induced allergic reactions. The gluten that is naturally present in standard marijuana strains also explains why 3/5 people who have smoked marijuana have a 80% greater chance of developing cancer at some point in their lives.

“Mother Mary’s Holy Miracle”, the street name for the new gluten-free marijuana, is nothing of the sort.  Monsanto has discovered one thing:  by stripping gluten out of marijuana, they are removing the one chemical that stops it from becoming addictive. Anyone who tries this new gluten-free marijuana will be instantly hooked and unable to stop smoking it.

You will be able to tell addicts because they will behave just like the disgusting cigarette addicts who you see furiously smoking outside in little huddles on -20 degree days, instead of sitting inside drinking hot cocoa like civilized people do on lunch breaks in the winter. The long-term consequences of gluten-free marijuana have yet to be determined, though joblessness, obesity and propensity for criminal activity are all things associated with chronic marijuana usage.

The odd irony in all of this, is the ‘little-guy’ weed farmers who are stuck selling normal gluten-laced marijuana are going to get drowned out by this new corporate strain.