Dear friends and of the faith and condemned hypocrites, good day unto you all. As you rise this final weekend before we celebrate Christ’s birth, you are assuredly rushing to the store to buy gifts or prepping your home to receive friends and family. This time of year is about love and happiness, and it is with a happy heart that I say ‘You’re Welcome’ for sparing your life and that of your family.
As you know, yesterday was slated to be the end of the world. Billions trembled as they watched the news, waiting for some big cataclysmic event to take place. Other sinners threw massive raves where they lusted for each other’s flesh and let the nectars of Bachus flow freely, giving into debauchery one final time before their moment of judgment.
But as all of this was going on, there was one small baptist church in Topeka, Kansas, praying until sweat dripped down our brows. We prayed for 24 hours straight, seeking redemption and one more chance of confessing America’s Christian heritage, for the lot of you. We know that in these days of Obama, where every sinner is somehow ‘justified’ by the name of progress, as evidenced by many of my liberal-leaning columnists who write for this paper, it is easy to think having a rigid male-male affair with the neighbor’s husband or not paying an equal share of taxes if you’re poor and make under $250,000 is somehow smiled upon by God.
Well, it is not, and if you are thinking such actions are chaste and cooth, you have one fiery, warm surprise awaiting you the day you perish. My church prayed that if God saw fit to wipe the Earth out yesterday, which seemed as good as any, that everyone be spared. This prayer extended to every home and family in this nation, so no matter how errant your beliefs or un-American values your family, today you were spared. You are welcome for this act and we pray that as 2013 rolls in, your resolution includes coming to church with us or one in proxy to you.
For those not in the area, Sister Eunice Wentworth held a massive interfaith Skype prayer session, bringing the power of praying miracles worldwide to every internet connection who wanted to join. Over 3,000 people joined in, in countries ranging from the United Kingdom, Australia, Estonia and Belize.
The days of wrath are nigh and shall not tarry forever, so be thankful for this mulligan. Next time, my friends, God may just strike his wrath upon Earth and don’t think for a second anyone will be yelling ‘four!’.