R. Kelly Coachella 2013 ‘Tinkling’ Leaves 100s Of College Students Drenched, Ashamed The Next Morning

Young thighs tensed and anxious to feel the excited pressure of another’s body, thousands of college students eagerly await nightfall so they can start popping Quaaludes, Uncle Tweety’s Liquid Flipper LSD and minced marijuana, all staples of the dangerous ‘music festival’ they call Coachella.  Like a modern day Woodstock toking steroids, Coachella leads to pregnancy and disease in hulking proportions, as will be witnessed under this Lush Camp tent in a few hours.

Like many of you other parents out there, I am absolutely terrified that my daughter is partying it up at Coachella right now. We all know the statistics: 8/10 women attending Coachella will become pregnant. 90% of them will experiment with drugs and hallucinogens, then wildly rip off all their clothings and let man after man have his way with them while Skrillex provides the screeching thumps in the background, setting the cadence for their unholy union of gyrating pelvises.

I won’t even mention the things that happen to 18-year-old men out there, but let me tell you this: their colons have never been cleaner then when they leave Coachella. You would think Mario and Luigi teamed up to do the plunging of your son’s once firm and proud pipes, when you realize just how much gunk he had placed in there by the legions of ‘deflowers’ who are part of the ‘Coachella Culture’. Hopefully you parents out there are reading through my minced oaths here, because I’m communicating the raw truth of what happens every year at Coachella.

Ever since my daughter started classes at USC two years ago, I’ve thought of changing my first name from Haywood to Haywire.  My thoughts have been helter-skelter with all the threats the entire Los Angeles lifestyle and culture represents.  The city is like a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah and eventually, God is just going to get tired of it all and either snap the San Andreas fault, so it all just sinks to the belly of the Pacific.  Or maybe he will strike it down with a giant meteor or endless wildfire.  Only time will tell.

Even beyond LA’s vain and sacrilege culture, it is hard to imagine there is a town even more disgusting.  I can only be grateful that there isn’t a Coachella University, as it would have the best biological laboratories for studying STDs.  Every woman on the campus would likely have one.

I believe it is only my prayers and the prayers of my congregation that has kept my daughter safe to date, but after the pictures I’ve spied her uploading on Instgram Facebook, I wonder if my little angel is turning into a demon.

Last night, she claims she attended a ‘R. Kelly’ rite of passage, which seems to be some concert that was held outside the Lush Camp tent.  All young women in attendance were to allow men to ‘tinkle’ on them, as R. Kelly sang the song ‘I Believe I Can Fly’.

I always thought the song was about soaring into heaven, but apparently I was mistaken.  My daughter said she was there and has not returned any of my voice messages questioning what I’ve pieced together.

According to her latest tweet, ‘hundreds’ were partying it up at the Lush Camp tent for this tinkle festival.

After a long night of partying, two college men wearing Superman and Batman skivvies take a picture with women they likely tried to leap into the night before.

Nothwithstanding that such actions can lead to pregnancy or STI, it is just plain wrong that in a civilized nation, we allow things such as Coachella to take place.  The festival is a representation of the larger and problematic EDM, Electronic Devil Music, movement that is currently commissioned by a cult that call themselves ravers.  These people like to smear hallucinogenic body paints all over themselves, while eating tainted ‘Kandies’ that resemble tasty snacks, but are actually secret drugs meant to disable the mind of the innocent. I could only wish the year were 1955, because I would call up Senator Joe McCarthy and convince him that anyone attending Coachella was a no-good communist pinky and were trying to destroy the United States with biological warfare and creating babies that will mooch off the working’s tax money. If that meant accusing my daughter of communism and putting her on McCarthy’s watch list, so bet it.  She shouldn’t have defied me. As more information and stories roll in from Coachella, I will make it my personal mission to warn you parents out there about the most terrifying things taking place, so you can too berate your children and threaten to take away their tuition money if they don’t leave the ‘festival’ at once.