There is a new social website named Reddit.com and the only way I can describe it is a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. Debauchery lurks after every click. Secret ‘karma points’ entice the novice user to strip off clothing and beg strangers for electronic alms. The inbox system lights up a fiery red when a new seducer is afoot, whispering ‘A/S/L’ with his every keystroke, his other hand greasy, loose and limber, waiting for your loved one to share more revealing pictures and stories to get more karma.
Reddit.com is a strange example of what happens when manipulative individuals on par with Charlie Manson are allowed access to your family’s wandering, gullible minds at 3 am. The outcome is never good. The outcome is never what it would be in reality. In a sense, Reddit.com may be the primary reason why the modern internet has turned into a steamy den of lewd flesh acts, crass language and endless wasting of time with cat pictures.
I have spent the last three weeks undercover on Reddit.com, slowly getting to know the power players on the site, their stalking techniques of their prey and the true subreddits of influence. This study will likely make the chief Redditors angry, some of whom I firmly believe are reverse Illuminati, a cult we will talk about later.
/r/Gonewild – The snare-trap for your wife and daughter’s innocence
Pasty, pale, geeky, awkward and forceful. These are the words I would use to describe all the men of Reddit who accosted me as I posed as an 18-year-old co-ed in Gonewild. One of my research assistants did all the posing for me, her nude form requirements for her art major coming in handy to help us over that moral hurdle during camera shooting. Reddit.com has a sister-site named IMGUR.com, which allegedly stands for Inside My Genitalia, Upon Request (IMGUR). One look at that site’s secret section revealed once you ‘prove’ yourself on Reddit and you can see from where the name comes.
After several weeks of posting pictures under the profile, I had received: 103 offers to ‘meet-up’ and allow physical insertion to take place. 18 threats from people claiming to be ‘officials’ saying I had to give up my address, leave my door open and wait for them to get there so we could ‘work out a deal’. I said I had a boyfriend and in my inbox, countless men said they did not care and would keep our meeting up secret. Other perverts begged and pleaded with me to do all sorts of sick things with my body and take pictures, promising to give me karma points in the process. One of the men called themselves ‘furry pony’ and threatened he and his friends would find me and buck me wild.
And for the last part, my research assistant agreed to take some of the more obscene poses and then I continued to message everyone back. Sure enough, we received karma and several pricey gifts at the P.O. box we gave for a mailing address. Some users even sent me their house keys, plane tickets and outfits they wanted me wearing on arrival.
If anyone were desperate for attention, this /r/GoneWild is probably the most dangerous thing. All women tend to be insecure, so it is easy to see how all these professional seducers are the Venus Fly Trap to your wife or daughter’s buzzing little body. They wait in anticipation, mouth’s agape and honey-scented upvotes cast as lure. And once your loved one lands, there is no escaping their sticky grasps.
I was all too happy when I concluded my study and had this account closed.
If you are an avid gardener, you will be upset to learn that /r/Trees has nothing to do with the finer points of organic pesticide control or what sapling to plant for Arbor Day. The only green-loving thing you will find in this hippies-utopia are all the marijuana-supporting knuckleheads who frequent this particular forum.
Calling themselves Ents, I can only guess they are making a play of words on J.R.R. Tolkien and are all little hobbit lusters, wanting to spend their days in the Shire smoking hashish and rustling their jowls in the busty busom of a jolly four foot midget.
Judging by the frequency of comments and posts from the community’s 300,000 plus users, you can tell you are in a den of dope fiends: jobless, lack of relationships, Obamacare mooching, Dorito-bellied geniuses who all have an opinion on some complex political matter or advanced particle physics.
If you have a son in college, he will be approached by an Ent. “Blaze it up, man. Open your mind!” They will link him to Reddit and try to say they are all philosophical geniuses, when in reality they are the new version of the bum you used to run into on the 3rd Street Promenade, ranting and raving about aliens and UFO intestinal encounters all while coming down off a high of Quaalude whiskey and cracked marijuana.
The bottom line here is simple: if you have a son or daughter in college, do sneak raids on their dorm and demand to check their computer history. If you see Reddit.com/r/trees in the history, assume they have smoked some hashish and are on their way to homelessness and government dependence . Go through their dirty laundry: take deep whiffs of all their clothing, the smell of rotten, burnt bacon being your clue that they have smoked a dubie. Do the same to their bedsheets: just put your face into it and take a deep whiff. Be warned, if you have an Ent on your hands, the smell of perversion will go beyond their little spliffies and likely involve all sorts of drugged fornication too.
Reddit’s Threat to Husbands
The core of every family is the man of the house. No matter what my liberal colleagues in this news organization will argue and whine about for hours on end, the nuclear family is the foundation of civilization and the nucleus of the family is the man. Nothing threatens the morality, chastity and focus of a man more than Reddit.
They have forums for dog-lovers and cat-lovers. They post inane pictures with luring headlines all day long, every second. There are countless articles about new tech gadgets and an endless flow of buxom women seduced by /r/GoneWild, using the most enticing headlines and promising to [f] the 100th viewer (e.g., I just go out o[f] the shower, 100th viewer gets to IMGUR me) all her riches if they get lucky enough.
This is just too much temptation for men. We are stressed, we are busy. We have families to raise and jobs to do. Reddit is rarely blocked at any workplace and its links all lead to wanton carnality. It is only a matter of time before the links cause a man to stray from morality in the wrong place: perhaps your boss will catch you reading communist manifestos and laughing at a meme cat when you’re supposed to be landing a new account. Or maybe your wife will catch you tossing the monkey’s Kleenex to a picture of some Swedish maiden all too eager to coerce your eyes to have a look at her mammalian ludicrosities.
The brilliance of Reddit is the ultimate Satanic lure: it has something for everyone, but it is like a King Midas curse. A catch-22. The site will make you addicted and lead you down a rabbit’s tunnel of shame, perversion and guilt. Before long, you’ll find yourself self-touching, spouting communist Marxism and bent over in an alley-way while some midget’s grunty little thrusts into your rear will land you some Karma points when he’s all finished up. Why is that so important?
It is because Reddit alters your mind. After only three weeks, I found myself furiously posting more than my assistant’s pictures. I uploaded cat pictures. I uploaded memes. Getting the karma felt nice, almost like taking a drug. At 4am, I would wake and leave bed, checking my threads and to see if my karma ran up any more. I had fun toying with the guys sending me messages in my inbox. It was my wife who walked in on me one night who said ‘enough, the experiment is over and too far’. She was right, I had become what Voltaire warned I would become.
I started into the abyss of Reddit and it stared back at me. I had become the beast. I had become, a Redditor.