Things Women Say That Are Stupid

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Things Women Say That Are Stupid

“It will only take a minute…”

Lies, lies, and and lies.  Women take at least a half hour to do anything no matter how simple.  If the level of complexity is anything higher than unplugging a lamp expect at least an hour wait.  If it has anything to do with personal hygiene you might as well take a nap.  If shopping is involved, hit yourself in the head with a hammer and tell her you have to go because your head is bleeding.  It is a far better fate than what is in store for you if you stay…

“I know it’s a chick flick, but I promise you will like it…”

If you ever hear this, know that the movie you are about to watch is going to suck balls.  Not only is it going to suck balls but you quite possibly may see Robert DeNiro prancing around in a dress, being a gay pirate.  “See, you like Robert DeNiro, I told you that you would like this movie!”  I liked him before I saw him prancing around in a dress and being a gay pirate.  Now I just want to slit my fingers slowly with paper…

“It’s ok to tell me anything…”

This is evil chick talk for “Tell me all of your dirty secrets so after we break up I can ruin your life forever.”  It’s also a dirty lie, because as soon as you so much as mention the dead hookers you have hidden under your house and how dreadfully hard it is to keep finding space for the new ones, all she wants to do is run away and scream for the police.  Women…

“Do I look fat?”

“No, because if you did I wouldn’t be scrogging you…”  For some reason women don’t see the compliment in that.  And what if she does look fat?  You can’t just say “Hell yeah, what have you been eating?” unless you want her to throw a lightening bolt at your head.  Some guys think all women belong in the kitchen.  Personally, I think too many women have belonged themselves in the kitchen a bit too long…

“Do I annoy you?”

Women annoy men.  It is what they do.  It is a law of nature or something.  Everywhere you have a woman and a man who are not having sex, the man is somewhat annoyed.  Especially if they are doing chick stuff, like walking in the park without a football, going out to eat food that is not chicken wings, or doing something that doesn’t involve setting fire to wood and cooking bacon over it.  So the answer to that question is “Yes, every waking moment of my life except when you’re suckling my happy place…”

“Let’s talk about feelings!”

Ok.  I felt robbed and cheated last year by the performance of the Denver Broncos.  I was sad at the fact that I just didn’t think they were running the ball right.  I also got a long list of things I think suck… if that can be counted as a feeling.  Aside from sports, things we hate, and having to shoot our dog because she goes rampant with rabies and tries to devour us alive, men don’t have feelings.

“Isn’t that just so cute?”

First of all, what the * is cute?  I’ll tell you what cute is, cute is a fluffy Andy Dick.  Like puppies and kittens.  Cute is no place for a man.  Use of this word in public is grounds for a man to have his beard privileges taken from him until he proves his manhood again by building a shelf with nothing but a hammer, handsaw, tree stump, and magazine picture.

“Haven’t you played that video game enough?”

When a man is done with a video game, he has no trouble putting it away and moving on to something else.  This question is answered by the very fact that the man is still playing the game.  Men don’t complain when women stare at themselves for hours in the mirror like they are going to magically become Scarlett Johansson’s tatas.  Women shouldn’t nag when we stare at a video game in the exact same way…

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