Morning After Pill Legalized for All Ages, Republicans Warn ‘Hidden Affairs, Secret Plan B Parties’ To Take Place

If the bogeyman stories the Republican right tells about what happens at proms, raves, WWE events and more are true, then America has much to fear.  A judge has ruled the the controversial Morning After Pill, Plan B, be available immediately to women and girls of all ages, in over-the-counter form.  For everyday women’s rights activists, this may seem like good news.  But one local pastor at the Topeka Baptist Fellowship Bible Church is not taking came out with all guns blazing today, citing that this ‘grave travesty against man’s reproductive responsibilities of protecting a woman’s God-given womb’ is going to bring the destruction of Western civilization.

Pastor Haywood Bynum III took to the local airwaves to air his grievanvces, he and members of his congregation threatening to boycott any pharmacy, .  “Girls will be exploited by the seed of Satan himself,” Bynum boomed to a shocked radio audience.  The renown pastor went on to complain that the Morning After Pill will help women hide affairs from their husbands and families.

“Just imagine it, your wife is ‘working late’ every night, her loins moist from looking at her coworker Bob in accounting all day.  When the office is nearly clear, the two steal away into a forgotten bathroom stall and she just spreads herself for him to have his way.  She is still in the throes of ecstasy as she goes to Walgreens, without her husband’s permission, and gets a Plan B pill!  She can hide the pregnancy and not worry about her sins catching up with her and revealing what she’s been doing!”

In a shocking poll of the Topeka locale, over 58% of married men worried their wife was having an extra-marital affair at work.  According to Bynum, his poll went on to show that with the Morning After pill being over-the-counter now, nearly 94% of those men now fear they would never find out if their wife was having an affair.  A suspicious pregnancy with a different looking child is one of the best symptoms of diagnosing an affair.

Bynum went on to address fears of teenagers hiding pregnancies as well.  According to Bynum, over 80% of teenage pregnancies happen at high school prom.  Prom dresses are just ‘wrapping paper that Satan cannot wait to rip off, so he can help himself to the prize jewel inside.’  Proms, added to concerts, raves, coffee houses, friends homes and sporting events that teens might attend, Bynum warns, means that your daughter could be engaging in all sorts of wanton activity now carefree that you could never find out about it.

“How horrified will you be if your daughter attends one of these Plan B skittles parties.  She will go there and do the usual:  smoke some mary jane, shoot up some liquid LSD and then take handfuls of this Plan B.  She will die diseased, overdosed and womb running rampant with this devil pharmaceutical.  Guess who is to blame:  you.  Because you did not demand this pill be taken off the market!”

In the heat of his radio address, Bynum finally warns that the Plan B pill is pure sin, as it shuts down the divine reproductive process.  “If you get pregnant, you have no right to take it away.  That choice is God’s alone, with input from the husband or father of the pregnant!” In other words, Haywood Bynum believes that wombs are to be ruled by husbands and fathers of the pregnant (not the child), which is all the more reason and proof why Plan B must be legalized.