Research Shows That Community Gardens Prevent Terrorist Tendencies

[dropcap]I[/dropcap]n the late 70’s and early 80’s the United States turned what was once a lush paradise in the Middle East into a desolate wasteland by drilling for oil —and blood.Ronald Regan, fueled by entitlement and hateful conservatism, lined his pockets by teaching the historically peaceful indigenous peoples how to use weapons, forever destabilizing the chi of the region. This was what became known as the Iran-Contra affair and it rocked the Muslim world all the way down to its gardening practices. Fruits and vegetables rich in fiber and organic-ness were replaced with bad cholesterol and deep-fried hate as American and Israeli fast food chains replaced farmer’s markets all across the Islamic nations. Bread on bread (processed white flour), a new generation of scorned peoples with unstable blood sugar was born. The terrorists.

Lots of trans fats. No smiles.

[dropcap]N[/dropcap]ot knowing that snow peas can be a crisp and crunchy snack, terrorists are just misunderstood. Imagine never experiencing the joy of a spring salad, or the pure ecstasy of a grilled rutabaga steak! Why just thinking about that makes me want to go out to Home Depot for IED supplies. Because we ruined their homeland with greed and forced climate change on them with pollution and Hummer SUVs, the peoples of the Middle East got angry. They got extreme. But all that can be fixed with community gardens and possibly some non-secular group prayer and meditation. What they really want is a peaceful place to grow their plants. For example, the poppy plant already flourishes in the region. Now imagine how happy they would be if we gave them more places to grow their poppies. The revenue generated from their whole-grain poppy seed bagels, poppy seed tapenade, and aromatic poppy oil incense could be used to revitalize the community. You can’t bomb for peace, but you can grow it!

Nothing but Mother Nature and positive energy here

[dropcap]R[/dropcap]esearch shows that the inner peace and harmony that comes from community gardening discourages terrorism. For example, here in Santa Monica we have 3 community gardens… and zero terrorism. Just to be sure, I went and interviewed people in Malibu, La Jolla (pronounced La Hoya), and Santa Barbara. The results were exactly the same. Coincidence? I’m willing to bet dollars to walnuts (a healthy alternative to an out-dated expression) that this is a direct result of these neighborhoods’ community gardening practices. In fact, I came up with this idea in the produce isle at Whole Foods — case in point.