With al-Baghdadi’s ISIS forces wrecking havoc in the Holy Lands, America now has a Christian duty to protect the ancient founding grounds of our nation’s Judeo-Christian religion.
Manifest Destiny calls out to America once again. The ancient land of our nation’s Christian Founding Fathers, the Middle East, have fallen into the hands of tyranny.
A terrorist named al-Baghdadi is blowing up the ancient cities of the Bible, destroying America’s ancient heritage piece by piece. Our oil, created for us by the hands of God himself and now trapped beneath the trampling feat of his forces, is in peril. How many demons (dinosaurs) did God have to slay in the times of ancient, so that their bones would fester under those hot Persian sands so that thousands of years later, America’s army would have an endless supply of oil so we may bring peace to the world.
My friends, America cannot wait any longer. We must declare war on the Middle East. It is clear that the people cannot rule themselves and they have no respect for our oil and holy sites, so America has a Christian duty to help them help themselves.
Here is what happens in a Middle East without America:
The tomb of Jonah is being destroyed. The story of Jonah is told in our Bible. He was sent to Nineveh to bring the gospel to sinners. Now future school children of America will only be able to read about Jonah, and never get to visit his final resting place to pay their respects to a good man who taught them the valuable lesson of not question God’s will.
America cannot wait any longer. How long have we had war in the Middle East? It is time for America to once again answer the call of Manifest Destiny and rename these lands in need The New Americas.
The way I see it, these lands are very oil rich so Governor Rick Perry and President George W. Bush are most naturally the most qualified men to run the show in these new lands.
A quick invasion by the US army will send al-Baghdadi’s forces running for the hills. But America must protect the innocent women of children of the former lands of Iraq, Iran and Saudi Arabia with an iron curtain.
Phase 1 of Creating A New America:
1. Military Dominance: America should immediately bomb any and every ISIS position without mercy, no questions asked. It will take our army no longer than two weeks to make the enemy surrender.
2. Creation of New Texas: While the land in general should be called The New Americas, as other nations in the region will eventually need us to bring them liberation too, it is most logical to create the state of New Texas. This is because since the land is oil-rich much like Texas, I could think of no other team better than President George W. Bush and Governor Rick Perry placed as governor and lieutenant.
3. I’d love to be sitting back with a beer and in my rocking chair, watching as terrorists look on in defeat when we name Reagan, D.C. the capital of New Texas.
4. Build a large national monument to put the natives in awe of American ingenuity and power: the natives with cower with fear and respect at the size of buildings mere men are able to build. I would somehow combine an eagle with a large statue of Christ, perhaps the eagle sitting atop his shoulder as his outstretched hands beacon everyone there to come to him.
5. Rezoning land: the Native New Americans who live there now should be placed in temporary reservations, so we can tear down their little fake adobe homes and build them proper neighborhoods with running water, electricity and cable television.
6. With so many people having access to tv and the internet, we will have to outsource Hollywood and I can’t think of anything more natural that to put New Hollywood right in the heart of our allied state of Israel. Not only would it be great to see so many more talented stars and producers get a chance at the big screen, but New Hollywood’s movies could help bridge a cultural gap so the liberated lands of former Iraq, Iran and Saudi Arabia could learn we are not so different after all.
7. Expansion: I still see the words Egypt, Syria and Russia on that map. That is one too many nations not named America for me in near our lands, so the Monroe Doctrine dictates what we must do. Glory.