Now that we have boldly entered the year 2014 A.D., it means we have a new eager, bustling field of desperate interns working at our corporations. Fresh out of college, these eager beavers are smart, strapping and very anxious to please your every executive demand.
It is easy and natural to develop a lust for these male college interns. They represent a time us silver foxes have lost, a time when were were teaming with youthful male endurance and bravado, so primal and still yet so vulnerable to the whims of a powerful, established man whose letter of recommendation could ensure your future of a six-figure income, a beautiful nuclear family and wonderful societal reputation. It is not gay having one or two flings with your new college-graduate intern, it is just embracing your college days and body once again.
But alas, in these cruel, evil days, the left-wing media has made a mockery of an age old tradition. They try to make innocent trysts seem like a big deal. No longer is it possible to steal away with the embodiment of your youth to South America or Fiji, shedding your Armani power suit for a ocean romp in Speedos, without some liberal blogger eventually finding out and gossiping about your private life for all the world to see.
How many good, solid family men have the Ya-hoos over at TMZ or the Rachel Maddow Show shamed and ruined? These left-wing zealots have no room for decency and equality. They cannot accept it is traditional Republican belief that marriage is between a man and woman, so a fling with your male intern cannot count as adultery. If a gay union is not recognized in the eyes of God, what is so bad about dabbling a bit with the taut nethers of your subordinate, if you really are not into trying to marry him?
With that solid, progressive logic in mind, it is still too risque to pet the male intern this day and age. Until privacy laws and disclosure agreements are respected by the left-wing radical media, you should stay away from your male interns or face having your career ruined by the left-wing media.
Here are some 13 tips to keep your nose clean:
1. Keep Binders Full of Women Stand-up businessman and rightful President of the United States, Mitt Romney, said it best: keep binders full of women. For every female intern you decide to hire, that is one less temptation for you. And even if you do foray into an affair with your personal Lewinsky, let us not forget the liberal media was oh-so-quick to absolve Clinton of his sins, so you always have the ‘hypocrite’ card to play if they come after you.
2. Keep Pictures of Your Grandparents in Office Nothing says mood-killer better than having the loving images of Grandma Phyllis and Grandpa Walt eyeing your every move.
3. Avoid Daydreaming Thinking of the freshly tanned, toned biceps of accounting intern Zach glistening beneath the warming, amber rays of a midday’s Fiji sun, as he brings you another martini from the tiki lounge, sweat-drenched body begging for a dipping frolic in the crystal blue ocean…all of that has nothing to do with accounting.
4. Install Closed Circuit TV Screens in Secret Areas of Office, Stream Feed to your Pastor’s Inbox
5. Switch Your Party Affiliation to Democrat – Democrats will never go after their own, so a major sacrifice you can make is to claim you are ‘switching parties’. You can still be moral and vote Republican, but on paper you will be seen as a liberal so if word of your ‘transgressions’ break out, you can rest assured MSNBC and Huffpost will say you are a hero for standing up in what you believe in and anyone who attacks you will be called a ‘mean person’ who does not want equal rights.
6. Eat Fatty, Stomach-Unfriendly Foods For Lunch – An upset belly will keep you recluse and locked away in your office, avoiding contact with your co-workers and interns. People who slum it by eating Taco Bell for lunch have a 80% success rate for happy marriages.
7. Do the opposite of ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ – Though you may be a hotshot business executive with a requisite stay-at-home pretty wife, successful children and a house made out of ticky-tacky, keep in mind that you are no wolf of Wall Street. You are a mid-50s male with worsening vision and slightly elevated cholesterol. Your prostate cannot handle doing lines of blow off your intern’s abs, let alone your heart.
8. Drink Tons of Mountain Dew, Make Sure It Has Yellow Lake 5
9. If your wife accuses you of gay, blame it on Satan and write a book/do interviews on how he fished you in with temptation, but you freed yourself and saved your marriage. Own the situation.
10. Loudly say you are pro-D.O.M.A. on a regular basis.
11. Occupy yourself with more interesting hobbies, like short-selling after getting insider trader secrets from your buddies in New York.
12. Do not like things like Cher, Lady Gaga, The Golden Girls on your Facebook. Do like Duck Dynasty and wear Duck Commander t-shirts on casual Fridays, to put on a strong, aggressive front so you don’t arouse suspicion.
13. Hire your wife as your secretary.