Of all modern social media, Facebook is the most addictive. The most recent statistics show that Facebook has over 1 billion users worldwide. Over 600 million of those users connect to the ultimate social media site via a mobile device. And of all those users, the majority are in the teenage to young adult demographic.
Due to inexperience in life, this demographic becomes dangerously addicted to Facebook, making it a ‘second life’ home to themselves. With Facebook becoming home, the cohorts within this group begin to show classic and often destructive habits and signs of comfort that, in the long run, will ruin their life, ability to land a job and ultimately be their undoing.
1. Endlessly uploading “Look at how happy we are!” pictures by the album: Look, we are all happy and skippy that your life is going so great with boyfriend #5 of the last year. By all means, let’s all baste in unicorn sunshine and slather our backsides with rainbow happiness, because all your lovey honey boo boo platter photos are just so adorable. Seriously, we do not care to see you sucking face with every significant other, then crying about the woes of life two weeks later when he/she cheats on you. Intervene for friends / family who upload too many couple photos: it is just a setup for failure.
2. Types the letter sequence F-a-c-e-b-o-o-k-.-c-o-m by instinct when sitting down to a keyboard: Show of hands, because we are all guilty of this one. When you sit down to a computer, you will inevitably get bored and type facebook.com into your browser. As we read you are already opening a new tab to see if someone has liked your latest status. Some of you fancy East-coasters have a Droid or iPhone App button you push. Whatever the case, you wide-nosed sniffing Facebook addict, you are hooked. Back in the late 1990s to early aughts, college kids called this ‘Aim Syndrome’. It is where you would check to see if you had any new instant messages on AOL messenger, instead of writing that late night essay.
3. Can tell you the minute details of their friend they haven’t seen from twenty years ago’s dinner last night, has no clue what ‘fiscal cliff’ is all about: Do a random poll of your family or friends in the room right now: ask them to talk about a friend’s random status from today. The addicted friend or family will give you the random mini-autobiography of what Sally from work had to shove up her dog’s behind after he got into the chocolate and had to be rushed to the vet, to only find out today’s traffic was delayed due to the Lollipop Guild parade. The pictures she uploaded of their costumes were great! Now ask said friend or family how much Congress hiked up their taxes yesterday, then watch the look of a tramadol toking Bambi fall over their eyes. Feel free to smack some sense into your friend.
4. Refreshes the comment box more than ten times an hour: The only thing that screams an empty, vacuous virgin because you don’t try life than hoping that a Facebook poke qualfies as a Johnny Casanova pickup line is constantly hitting refresh to see if anyone on Earth will like your latest status. Oh, yay! 3 people have liked the status and one comment. You only had to strip off and show the side flesh of your mammalian ludicrosities! Seriously, if you see a friend or family spamming the refresh button on their keyboard, feel free to give them a compliment about their growing gut or maybe lack of a quality family dinner they are making. They won’t notice what you are saying.
5. Spends More Time on Facebook Games then with actual Friends/Family/Husband: A companion to number 4 on our list, you may find yourself growing more and more frustrated as a Facebook addicted companion will tune you out in lieu of their new online reality. Research actually puts Facebook at 20% blame for all modern divorces in America. With all the button refreshing, flirting with ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, playing dumb games and trolloping about the internet to find viral images that can get ‘likes’, it is a wonder there is even a time to excercise, work or spend time with…oh. Yes, 1 out of 5 relationships end in divorce, due to Facebook. If you want to test that stat as it relates to friendship, simply post several varying political thoughts you don’t actually believe. Watch your friend list dwindle, and random friendship requests from the scariest people on Earth come pouring in.
6. Friending Friends of Exes, Randoms, SkypeBooking: Now that we know statistics prove Facebook leads to a 20% chance of divorce, we need to know the why of it. How does a social network lead to divorce? It is called overexposure. A Facebook addict craves contact with other people, and this is the perfect recipe for relationship predators. Some people love to have sex with people who are dating/married to others. They will slowly build an ‘online friendship’, taking advantage of a Facebook addict’s need to constantly see a little red box with a one in it somewhere on their page. The stalker predator becomes the drug himself/herself. It is only a matter of time before the conversations turn sexual and flirty, with inevitable exchanges and liking of pictures, to ‘video chats’ then to meeting up for an actual affair. Your friends may get suckered into one-time relationships with scumbugs this way as well.
7. Stalking people not on their ‘friend’s list’, downloading their pictures to a personal computer: Everything you post on Facebook should be assumed to be public information. Only last week, Mark Zuckerberg’s sister caught a sour taste of that reality as a simple family photo of hers made it into the hands of the internet. In this case, the person who first posted her image was not a Facebook stalker like your friend or family may be. Parents, aunts and exes tend to be the worst Facebook stalkers, as they may ‘friend reqeust’ you but never hear back. But by virtue of putting in a friend request, they will immediately receive all they really want: constant updates about your life in their news feed. If you catch your friend archiving the life of another, it may be time to find new friends. Such things are the stuff that make Lifetime horror movies’ opening sequence.
8. Posts way damned too much personal information for all to see: “OMG! Just had the best sex evar! Oh wow, look at the fresh goo on my newborn baby!” I’ve seen and heard it all on my personal news feed. Maybe you have too. Who are these people who post too much information on Facebook, and really, why the need? Facebook addicts will post information about how their boyfriend made them mad, then feel great that 30 ‘friendly males’ want to come and comfort them. This just leads to number 5 and 6. Others do not realize that, you know, we do not care to see their newborn baby pictures or hear about how their new diet effects their gas-letting habits.
It is important to recognize Facebook addiction in your home.
What to do if my family is addicted?
Shut off the internet for a month, get off the computer and go outside. Demand to get everyone in your home’s password and username. For your wife/husband, delete every person who has inboxed them. Assume they want to have an affair. Your daughter? Threaten to shove a shotgun up the backside of every boy who has instant messaged her, then delete them from her ‘friends’. She will cry, but you will all be happier when she’s not pregnant 9 months later. Also, delete every photo of her duckfacing and dressing like a slut. It will help her get in college/a job later in life.
If your son is on Facebook, snorting up bad habits, smack his face and tell him to go outside and chop some wood. It doesn’t matter if you live in an area without trees, he has legs that can walk to the next wooded area. Red Foreman would have called this habit ‘growing some gonads and being a man’.
We did not make it this far in human history just to turn into the bobble-belly blobs from Wall-E. It is time to get over Facebook, get outside, and stop making the Zuckerberg clan so powerful. Now go make sure to like this story on Facebook.