Are Cats Secretly Powering the EDC Dubstep Movement?

Aaron Albright
• TopekasNews

All throughout my life, I have considered myself a great purveyor of music.  I’m no Simon Cowell, but I can surely recognize musical talent when I hear it.  Many of you are likely in the same league, your ears aptly receiving pleasure from the chiming harmonics of nature controlled by the brain of a skilled man or woman.

But as you know, with order there comes the balance of chaos.  For every one good form of music created, at least one bad form must be created.  And I do not not what on Earth possesses the youth of today to classify this new ‘dubstep’ or ‘Electronic Dance Candy’ pots and pans clanking as music, but it is certainly the chaotic balance to every good thing you have heard over the last decade.

I first encountered Electronic Dance Candy (EDC) music at a raver party.  My wife called to say our daughter, in high school, was apparently spotted going into a club long known for causing teenage pregnancy and other uncouth behaviors.  I took off from work as soon as I could and jolted the punk kid acting like a ‘bouncer’ at the door.  As I barged in to rip my daughter from the unsavory social scene, I could not believe the pain my ears were experiencing.

Impossible: The thronging mass of taut bodied college women being Skrillexed with ‘liquid drug candies’ and grinding thighs of old men are common at these EDC dubstep venues, making it near impossible to rescue your son or daughter before its too late. And quite naturally, cats are ultimately to blame.

It was as if Freddy Kreuger had crawled from an 80s nightmare and abducted a chalk board from a teacher, to only scrape his long nails across the thing as a litter of toddler children angrily bashed pots and pans together because they did not get a banana cookie for snacky time.  I asked one of the little writhing harlots on the dancing floor, “What is this?!” and she replied “A Skrillex.”

It sounds appropriate, the name Skrillex sounds like what you would call a wasp raping your eardrum.  My ears did feel violated and I surely would not want to have the child, Romney and Ryan be damned if they think they could force me to keep that nonsense in my ears for 9 months, let alone 9 more seconds.

After few desperate stances upon tip-toes to find her, my daughter was seen shaking violently in front of some slick haired whino from a bad 90s skin flick.  His haircut was made for the tv show Cops and I could not save her from this felon fast enough.   I backhanded the boy and told him to step away from my daughter, and like a little Nancy he complied and ran away with tears in his eyes, the welt on his face a reminder of just a taste of a father’s wrath.

I dragged my daughter from that place, her stamping her feet and trying to text her friends.  She smelled like cherries and sweat, the loud music adding a putrid scent to the air as well.  Or maybe it was the ‘bathroom’ that scores of men AND women were coming in and out of together, doing who knows what inside.

When I got her outside and into my car, I finally found out the truth behind this Skrillex, dubstep and Electronic Dance Candy.  What I reveal to you parents and concerned youths out there, who perhaps have friends trying to talk you into an EDC session, may scare you something fierce.  To know this is all happening to your friends and loved ones will break your heart.  It will even shock you to know cats are ultimately to blame for all of it.  But the truth is, the music is the best support I’ve ever seen to prove that Lucifer is a real and true force upon Earth.

Let’s start with the basics:

Electronic Dance Candy music started in Los Angeles, where some unscrupulous drug lords started soaking gummy bears in toxic substances like vodka, liquid marijuana and ‘melted Tweety LSD’.   With the candies infused with drugs, it became impossible for teachers, officials and parents to tell their children were doing drugs right in front of them.  As word of the new drug spread, so did ‘hot spots’ were youngsters could ‘score’ some of this new drug schwag.

With a crowd, the drug lords and their friends started bootlegging other things at their gathering spots:  DVDs, tshirts and even music.  And the music played was loud and bold, dizzying and futuristic, fitting into the ‘scene’ of it all.  Along the line, another name emerged for the music.  “DUBstep”, which stood for Drugs, Underground, Basement, Step.  The places the drugs were sold at first were usually in basements with outdoor access, the first step being painted ‘candy red’ to signify that it was a drug kandi house.

With that, the movement was born and demand for this music skyrocketed.  As it turns out, every drug house is usually infested with feral cats.  I still do not know why drug addicts love cats so much, but the truth is universal.  People at the parties would feed cats the liquid candies, and then put them on top of turntables.  The result is what you will hear in 90% of modern EDC dubstep songs, such as this popular ditty:

My daughter revealed all these things to me and I had to research the others, but the fact of the matter is these candy litter raves are dangerous.  The statistics:

[checklist]

9/10 women will catch pregnancies

4/5 college ‘frat bros’ will get throbbing gristled, waking up from their drugged stupor with a sore backside

94% rate of reverse sodomy yields high incidence of STI after an event

Bad hearing

Vertigo from the screeching music due to drugged and sharpened cat paws controlling the turntable

Marijuana Addition

[/checklist]

If those things sound terrifying, keep your child away from raves, EDC dubstep and getting to a Skrillex session.  It all results in exactly what I told you.  My family is lucky, because I was able to save my daughter before Cops candidate could waggle his little bastard maker within her secret space.  But you other parents or youngsters out there, don’t think you will be so lucky.  You see the numbers.

And for the nonbelievers, here are a few more pieces of evidence of how dubsteppers drug cats and let them be the pied pipers that lure innocents to these rave music parties, their bodies ravaged afterward forever more.  This is more proof of why cats must be banned.

Join the Movement

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