Sochi, Russia – Edward Snowden continues leaking all of America’s most valuable secrets in to the Russians.
After falling to 6th place in the medals list, US officials became suspicious after Russia and other nation’s close to the veiled communist state continued to ‘know all of the US Winter Olympic Team’s strengths, weaknesses and plays.”
Famed US Olympian Shaun White failed to medal in his initial events, appearing oddly lethargic and nervous. Upon investigation, officials learned that White’s room in the Sochi Olympics was filled with only bottles of imported blue Mountain Dew, a drink to which White is very addicted.
Chemical analysis of the Mountain Dew revealed it was laced with agents which cause ‘abdominal discomfort and tragically explosive diarrhea’. Somehow the Russians knew that White would drink massive amounts of the drink and planned to weaken his performance.
[adsense]Such underhanded techniques have been used against many of America’s Olympians and Journalists, which is demonstrated in Twitter’s #Sochiproblems feed. Snowden revealed one journalist loves honey but is terrified of bees: so the Russians put a cup of delicious honey in her room, with her opening it to only find a Russian Killer Hornet lodged inside. The event shook her so much that she considered flying back home for fear that ‘someone was trying to send her a message.’
Team USA has been put on high alert that their weaknesses are known and are being exploited by the Russians, explaining why the US Olympic Team has fallen to sixth on the medals list. Fortunately last night, Team USA discovered the Russians received their entire playbook from Snowden, so were able to change their playing style in order to avoid being absolutely destroyed.
Snowden remains at large, with Olympic Conspiracy and Subversion now added to his list of crimes against America.