Tim Horton’s barista Logan Andreson serves up a cup of ‘maple stiff’ coffee alongside three Twinkies. Long known for being a coffee bar hangout for Canadian homosexuals, Tim Horton’s and Twinkie Canada have long-held rights to the former Hostess treat and plan to continue to smuggle the fattening food into America, where after forced liquidation Twinkies have been made scarce and illegal.
Now known as the last bastion of Twinkie-dom, Canada has become America’s latest enemy in the war on drugs. While at first glance the long-time cake snack may not seem like a dangerous product to yourself or to your family, knowledge of the Twinkies’ addictive role in the homosexual community as well as the ‘fattening’ of America will show why Canadians hold a double interest in continuing to smuggle the fetish treat into the homes of America and the pockets of our children.
Twinkies hit the national headlines in major force last week when President Barack Obama, under direct influence by Michelle Obama’s ‘Healthy Kids’ campaign, refused to sign a bailout for Hostess, the American company that made the American version of the cake snack. Obama’s mandate was that Twinkies should actually be made illegal in the lunch of school children, for with its ingredients it was little more than a fat-ridden cake heavily embedded in a field of Chinese imported preservatives that could let it last over 100 years without spoil on a store shelf. This news bode well in the ears of conservative Christians, who for years did not like the Twinkies brand for an entirely different reason: its name is double entendre and the product secretly encourages children to experiment with homosexuality.
Such is the truth for all the snack-cake lines from Hostess: Twinkies, Ho Hos and Ding Dongs. When you stop and think about it, each one of those names has something sexual and perverse about them. Would you really let a stranger tell your child, “Go eat a ding-dong!” If a burly lesbian or gay was hiking up the street and saw your daughter or son, asking her, ‘How would you like to grab my Ho hos, cup cake?”, would you laugh and think it was lunch time innocence? And it will trouble you to know this truth, but let’s get it out there. Twinkies is the homosexual word for ‘smooth and shaven, tense and lean, young man’. The gooey center that gets tongue dabbled at some point in eating a Twinkie at this point should be pretty self-explanatory. How many of you have dabbled the gooey center of a Twinkie with your tongue?
According to the Official Gay Dictionary, the Code of Twinkie dictates the following classifications:
Twink code: [late 1990s] this is a code to identify the different types of Twinkie. Twinkie: 1. [kwn SF ’70:] a young man in his early twentie 2: [kwn ’90] someone under 21 [you are a twinkies if you are under 21, honorary ho-ho, if you are 21-25 and a ho-ho if you are over 25.] 3. A young, sexually attractive person, who is sexually desirable for there [sic] handsome looks and build and not for his intelligence. 4. a homosexual; that is a social outcast. 5: a gay in his twenties or younger, that acts like he has no brain. The type that all the blonde jokes come from.
The Canadian Twinkies brand is partially owned by a company named Saputo Inc. The bakery division president of the company reveals that in Canadas, the Twinkie brand and lifestyle will continue to go long and strong. The division president, Lionel Ettedgui, states, “We own the Hostess brand in Canada. There is no impact on us.” In other words, Twinkie brands will continue to do all the impacting in Canada and through smuggling, in the United States.
The morning of many Canadian males starts with a heavily milked Tim Horton’s coffee, which they use to flush the Twink sauce out of their mouth after breakfast. Sadly, the incidence of secret homosexuality stands at a whopping 67% in Canada, which Harper’s Magazine attributes to ‘the blase attitude toward the Twinkie lifestyle’ in Canadian men.
Whereas in America, Twinkies were a recognized brand but not cultural phenomenon, in Canada the opposite is true. Companies who sell Twinkies are militant in making sure everyone has easy access to them. The constant stuffing of the mouth with the desert touted as ‘golden cake flesh with a creamy inside’ leaves Canadian men confused and yet comfortable putting other cake flesh in their mouth, to only have an eventual reward of a gooey mess eventually realized. A few sips of Tim Horton’s coffee, and to them, it is just another part of life. With Canadians now backing all Twinkies in America, we will start to see this lifestyle and culture pushed upon the young men to old, distinguished men in this country.
For you wives out there, will your husband’s coffee breath be an actual confession of guilt of mouthing off with a Twinkie? You’ll ask him if he wants a Twinkie for lunch, and he will say ‘yes’ with a smirk, actually thinking about the cute new intern who gives him a bit of stuffing every lunch break at work. It may sound extreme at this point in time, but the statistics and mouth simply do not lie.
At Canada’s ‘Toronto Pride Festival’ last year, over 1.3 million men ‘came out’ and confessed that they were living a gay lifestyle. As revealed in the Sid Myer’s film classic Boys Beware!, the Twinkie product is commonly introduced to Canadian youths by complete strangers. In a culture where Twinkie is right next to a glass of water in terms of diet, it would seem obvious which of the two is to blame for this statistic. Twinkies, along with the rest of the former Hostess line of product, have an explicit nature to them. Beware, for the lifestyle behind this culture will be coming to a store shelf with you.
And this time, the pied piper is a Canadian enterprise owned, operated and masterminded by Tim Horton’s caffeine-energized Canadian bakers.
In this Internet photograph, self-confessed Tim Horton’s Twinkie addict Bill Murray holds up paraphenelia as he gets his fix of Twinkies chased by coffee.