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Japanese Scientists Combine Dog and Bird, Create Fukushima Dird Mutant

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Japanese scientists have created an exotic new mutant pet they are calling 犬の鳥 (inu no tori, or inunotori), which are being sold as ‘dirds’ in Western markets.

According to reports, Japanese scientists used the restriction enzyme EcoR1 to splice the component DNA of various avian species, then using Fukushima enriched water, used elegant recombinant DNA technique to combine the avian DNA with prepared canine DNA.  The result of this experimentation are the exotic dirds, which I quite frankly feel are a frightening yet cute examples of science going too far beyond morally acceptable.

Here are several dird photos snapped by their new owners:

Basset-Hound Beagle Dird

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[adsense]Taken in the rolling amber wheatfields of Kansas, this dird is a complex Fukushima mutant.  We can see it has the head of a basset hound and beagle, that has been rolled into the coding DNA to express a crow’s body.  You can see the talons are abnormally long, showing slight influence of the canine genes.  Also, the meatier aspects of the legs are covered in fur, rather than feathers.

The animal just looks so taken back that it has a taste for sunflower seeds.  While beagles are notoriously greedy, this dird has a dog’s mind and it just knows that there is something morally questionable about a dog lapping up sunflower seeds from its owners hand.  Fortunately for this dird, the digestive tract is avian and it can digest the seed product.

BlueBoobied Bull Dird (Combination of Pit Bull and Argentine Mountain Parrot)

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Look at the jowls on this parrot hybrid.  I am not a ornithologist, but I have never seen such fat content and skin flapping on a parrot before and I daresay this little guy struggles to fly about his pet owner’s home.  A millionaire in Russia built a greenhouse-biome for this exotic animal, it apparently shares it with butterflies and other creatures. 

Brown Pug Dird

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While the body says ‘mindless living’, as we expect from small-brained birds, the eyes tell the story of a dog trapped in a bird’s body.  Just take a good, deep look into those big, black staring pug eyes:  if you tell me you don’t feel sorry for this hybrid, then there is a bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell you. 

Meadow Grey Jay Dird

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This dird actually seems well adjusted, and I am going to assume it is due to the gray lab’s inherent tendency of exploration.  The dog part of the dird wants to explore, and what better escape than flying.  I am concerned that this dird is top heavy and though I do not agree with genetics at all, scientists should have combined the dog’s DNA with a stronger bird, perhaps an eagle, as opposed to the weaker blue jay genome.

Barking Gullbraduck Retriever Dird

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When I finish writing this article, I am actually going to call my local ASPCA to report all of these findings and demand that we start a fund to banish all dirds worldwide.  I think this dird here, which has been cursed to be mocked as it awkwardly waddles around on webbed duck feet, has it the worst from all these shocking images I’ve received and studied.  This dird is being kept on a farm in North Dakota and you can see it has an ankle bracelet on for easy tracking.  It is also purportedly forced to wear a shock collar around its neck to keep it from wandering South for the winter. 

Pug-a-guin

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A creature trapped between two worlds.  The story of this hybrid pug and penguin is an exposition of an adorable animal who is miserable with its existence.  It is only display at a natural habitat zoo in Alaska and is going to be shipped to Saint Louis, Missouri, in a few weeks.  This poor pug cannot figure out why it has a huge desire to eat fish and cannot frolick and sniff the backsides of its canine friends at a warm dog park with rolling fields of green grass.

Pug Sparrow perched on an apartment loft

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Look at how ashamed and confused this poor dird looks as he overlooks New York City.   As this poor dird overlooks New York city, one can see the deep seated shame and confusion within his eyes.  For within his dog mind and soul, God has placed within a dog’s brave tenacity, one that would have him out chasing vile stray cat vermin up Central Park Ave and helping New York’s finest solve crimes.

But in his body, he has the annoying cowardice of a bird:  messing your nicely cleaned car with excrement from on high, heart racing with fear as the most mangy alley cat threatens it with raspy meows.  This poor creature is so confused and it is sad to think science has created a creature, that has such pain visibly apparent within its countenance.  Heartbreaking.

Scottish Dird Terriercrow

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Menancing in its sleek coat of fur and feather gules, this inquisitive dird is like a hybrid of Batman and Sherlock Homes.  Wise in the phase, sleek in the body, it looks like from all the dird photos, this one has the most functional body proportions.  Its head hybridized well allowing it to hover and swoop, while its black coat allows it to fade and hide in the shadows.  Whatever the case, it is a pet in Chicago, Illinois, and hopefully will never have to face those tough streets on its own.

Yorkshire Flinching Dird

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This dird seems very calm and well adjusted, odd given the usually yappy nature of Yorkies.  One would not expect a flinch to genetically contribute much to a pet’s calm demeanor, but at least in this one photograph we see it is so.

While some of these dirds are admittedly cute, it goes without saying this is just too much power for humanity to hold.  It was bad enough when we decided to make a liger or glowing bunnies, but now this is just playing God.  There is no good reason to splice DNA to create these animals and some of them truly look miserable.

Like most hybrids, these animals are sterile and cannot produce filial generations and so that is at least a good thing.  Let us hope that my letters and lobbying to have dirds can put this new ‘exotic pet’ market out of business, because again, humans simply have no business meddling in the field of genetics, at least not without supervision of moral people (i.e., pastors and bishops, conservative leaders) unbiasedly deciding what science is just ‘too far and too much’ for humanity and all the creatures God charged us to protect.