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Moral Tom Brady’s New England Patriots Route Marijuanaless Denver Broncos, 31 – 34 Overtime

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ALeqM5j7dlPjr-ETlqEomsa2UTeKuZ5VugFoxborough, Massachusetts – All-American champion and NFL posterboy, Tom Brady, lead the pure-hearted New England Patriots to victory this Sunday in front of the entire nation.  In a game that featured a marvelous comeback of a triumphant, morally straight quarterback over a scheming Broncos program, the game served as a microcosm of America’s journey back to being the world’s dominant economic superpower.

Denver fans love to brag on Peyton Manning, as if he is a good-hearted guy who is simply ‘just that good’ to lob 60-yard touchdown passes off his left ankle against defenses like the Kansas City Chiefs.  But as we learned in last week’s ‘Marijuana-gate at Mile High‘ scandal, Manning and his Broncos this year are using whatever tactics necessary to win at home.  But on the road, in a pure, outdoor stadium with clean-open air breathed by stand-up men like Mitt Romney, we saw the Broncos huffing and puffing.  Their marijuana-conditioning cannot go the distance in a clean, fair game and that is exactly what we saw tonight.

In the first quarter of the game, the Broncos hotboxing in the Patriot’s lockeroom was obvious.  Peyton Manning was scrambling about like a 22-year-old Heisman trophy candidate, attempts of chucking up suspiciously accurate throws off his injured ankle luckily dismantled by a dedicated Patriots defense.  I’d like to see the urine analysis of Manning, because if THC isn’t showing up on the report there is a bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell you after you buy my chicken that has teeth.  The Broncos still quickly took off to a 17-0 lead.  Here we go on the rundown:

New Evidence A:

Fueled with abilities above normal, the Broncos were hopped up on opiates to start the game.  Look at how fast they run against the Patriots, their marijuana-induced superhuman strength and speed letting them easily gallop into the endzone.

New Evidence B

Miller must not have puff-puff passed, because he looked just like a certain Popeye of cartoon fame, after hopping up on a can of suspicious looking ‘greens’ spinach.  Again, Miller hopped and galloped into the endzone without anyone on the field able to overcome his temporary abilities.

New Evidence C

Unreal, we see Blount being ransacked by the Broncos.  By this time, at least, the Broncos were already burning through their chemically induced mayhem and settling down to the abilities of a normal man.  They had to settle for a field-goal here.

[adsense]But once their doping wore off, we saw the game quickly take a different direction.  Manning looked sluggish in the second quarter, only able to throw up 7 more points.  Still smug and studying the Patriot’s playbook on his way to the lockeroom, surely the Denver Donkeys thought their liberal scheming and ‘puff and pass’ lockeroom antics would get them ready to roll in the second half.

But the Patriots tricked them and put an armed officer outside the locker room at halftime.  The Broncos were forced to keep the door propped, meaning they could not conceal their smoking of “Satan’s Lucky Laughing Gas” at halftime, that is what they call the nefarious herb in the street in Denver.  “Satan’s Lucky Laughing Gas”, you can only shake your head.

We saw the immediate results:  Patriots scored 21 unanswered points against the Broncos, while Manning limped about and crippled about, acting his age for once.  The fourth quarter was more of the same, with the lionhearted Tom Brady looking quite kingly and inspirational as he cheered his team in today’s overtime victory.

1 2 3 4 OT Total
Broncos 17 7 0 7 0 31
Patriots 0 0 21 10 3 34