Putin Makes Appearance on WWE, Talks ‘Smack’ on the Ultimate Warrior


Nashville, Tennessee – Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared at WWE Smackdown last night, showing up to disrespect the memory of America’s fallen hero, ‘The Ultimate Warrior’.

A shocked Laylield yelled out, ‘Oh no, oh no, how did he get in here!’ as Vladimir Putin swaggered down the ramp, snapping his arms and taunting the crowd with a confident, Russian smile.

161900523Snatching the microphone from Triple H, Putin shushed the crowd by motioning his hands downward and smugly looking about, licking his chops with anticipation.  In true Russian fashion, Putin wasted no time ruining American pride and happiness.

“Your most Ultimate Warrior was a flamboyant peacock,” Putin began, smugly admonishing the shocked Tennessee crowd.  Immediate boos were heard but it only emboldened Putin’s speech.

“But it is no surprise, American wrestlers do all these expensive light shows and have steroid muscles.  In Russia, wrestler who breaks bone of another first wins.”

Putin then proceeded to show a montage of Russian wrestling, where the Russian leader can be seen visibly injuring younger Russian wrestlers without remorse. “If your Ultimate Warrior broke a nail, I’m sure he would cry and sue.”

The crowd was livid and booing Putin, who then made claims he’s seen Russian women in Siberia wrestle better than America’s premier wrestlers.

“In your wrestling, no one bleeds after being punched.  In Russian wrestling, sissy slapping your opponent with a fist will get you sent to gulags.  Wrestling is supposed to be a domination event, being a bear snatching a weak salmon from the icy river.

This is why Russia is always better, America.  This is why we will break Crimea, Ukraine and take back our damned state of Alaska!”

Putin then threw down his microphone, running to a turnbuckle and standing atop it, pumping his fists in the air.  The crowd threw water bottles at Putin but he only laughed and let them hit in the face, yelling, “Little American missiles do not scare me!”

Putin walked away from the ring, flanked by KGB officers.  On screen a familiar image showed up as Putin’s apparent final warning.

putin i must break you

Translators have deciphered the text to loosely mean, “I must break you.”