[adsense]Using simple science and NFL football, today I can prove once and for all that marijuana is a performance enhancing drug.
First, the premise: at the start of the 2013 football season, the legislative bodies of Washington state and Colorado voted to legalize marijuana. We all just assumed the states were full of lazy hippies ready to sit back and reap the benefits of Obamacare, but it looks like we were all duped: these two states were instead poising themselves to make a killing on athletics, namely, stadium football.
Dear readers, here is the simple truth: marijuana is a performance enhancing drug. Peyton Manning has always been a mediocre quarterback at best, but the last two seasons of his career, he is like a egg-headed master athlete suddenly? And Ryan Wilson, looking like one of the Jackson Five, is only in his second season and suddenly, he’s the Golden Child of media and sports?
It does not add up. How do two mediocre men go on to quarterback the most dominant teams in the NFL? Let’s start looking at the evidence from last night. We’ll start in the AFC Championship Game:
Evidence A: Tom Brady Cries Marijuana-Induced Tears
This picture was taken at the start of the game, after the Broncos decided to let the Patriots receive the ball first. For no reason at all, we can see Tom Brady is crying and depressed. He is not clean-shaven, he is sloppy. Look at how his hair is already sweaty and he is lethargic. Tom is not being a man’s man here.
This is because Tom Brady is from Connecticut, where marijuana is not legal and his body is not used to all the fans in the stadium smoking joint packs. The Broncos also have this thing where before the game, they secretly waft marijuana through the vents and into the locker room of the opposing team, so they get ‘high’ for the first time and their bodies get confused and emotional.
Related Media: Super Marijuana Bowl Coverage
In large enough doses, marijuana can leave you giggly and uncoordinated, and we saw that with Peyton Manning at the start of the game. Look at him bobble the ball around, like he is a Delta Gamma sorority hottie playing in her first Powder Puff Football League game.
The stadium was so full of marijuana, even Peyton Manning who has trained in marijuana thick conditions all year had trouble focusing.
Evidence C: Peyton Manning’s Cold Dead Eyes during Celebration
Confetti is all around you. You have had the best NFL season, breaking all sorts of records and are being called the greatest quarterback of all time. And you are going to the Super Bowl. And what does your marijuana brain do? Nothing.
This is the best example of ‘stoner face’ that I have ever seen. Peyton’s eyes are blank, his pupils are dilated. His mouth is grim and all he can think of is how he is going to get a Papa John’s pizza, and how he will eventually join A-Rod, Sammy Sosa and Lance Armstrong in the hall of shame, accomplishing all these impossible feats and records on a broken ankle and bad neck.
All season, commentators and visitors to Washington state complained of how loud and unruly the locals had become in only a few months. Naturally, marijuana was to blame.
The Seahawks fans are considered the loudest in the league this year, out of nowhere. That is marijuana’s power. But look at how wobbly marijuana made the leg of poor Navoroo Bowman.
Evidence D: Bowman’s Wobbly Legs that Don’t Feel Pain
All game long, the 49ers were just not themselves. Colin Kaepernick threw several interceptions that can be blamed on his weak, sore arms. Before the game, Kaepernick was heard complaining about his ‘shoulders feeling mushy’ and vomiting several times.
And look at the Bowman’s leg above. Ordinarily, any person would have been able to hold their leg firmly into the ground and an injury would not occur. But Bowman was under the influence of Washington’s marijuana thick air, he could not focus. Remember, California re-banned pot last year.
Even after this painful injury, Bowman laid on the ground, unaware and not in pain, because he was just so high.
Evidence E: Richard Sherman Marijuana Rage
Marijuana is a steroid drug, a performance enhancer. And just like all steroids, marijuana can actually make you have fits of angry outbursts. Poor Richard Sherman here is usually a nice guy, but living in Seattle for the last year has given him a case of marijuana rage. Look at how the lovely commentator here is fighting off her fight or flight response, as Sherman marijuanaroid rages here.
Evidence F: Richard Sherman Plays Tickle Fingers with Backsides of Crabtree, Coach Harbaugh
We all knew Sherman tickled the backsides of Crabtree after the game, but he also could not resist the firmed rear meat of Coach Harbaugh after the game. Most publications missed this little nugget:
Sherman also got confused in the fourth quarter and thought he was a cheerleader.
Let’s not forget, the Seattle Seahawks fans, the infamous 12th man, threw their munchies at Bowman as he was carted off the field. Such behavior shows the typical behavior of a marijuana addict.
In conclusion, marijuana obviously played a big factor in this NFL season. Two states have legalized marijuana: Colorado and Washington. And two states have teams in the Super Bowl: Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks.
Since marijuana is legal in larger amounts in Colorado, my prediction is that the Broncos will come out on top.