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Here Is Taco Bell’s New Breakfast Menu in Pictures, Gird Thy Loins and Prepare Your Aft Cannons for Explosions

[adsense]Today, all of America was introduced to a new juggernaut of capitalism:  Taco Bell Fast-Food Breakfast.  The awesome, cheap thrill of eating Taco Bell priced breakfast while on the way to work in your mighty corporate job, internship or daily grind, what could go wrong with that?  Nothing but good things could lie ahead.
A Redditor did the world a favor and braved the entire Taco Bell breakfast menu.  There is no word yet on the status of his or her intestinal well-being, but we hope and pray this brave soul godspeed with digestive recovery and fortitude.
1.  The Taco Waffle
Look at how deliciously American it looks.  A waffle, karate-chapped in half so that it can house what looks like a standard fast-food sausage breakfast patty and a mess of Taco Bell created eggs.  Now, I’ve watched Cosmos for the last three weeks and I can hear in my mind’s consciousness, the soothing bellow of Neil DeGrass Tyson’s voice.
“As humans evolved over time, they developed a ‘sense’ of recognizing patterns.  They learned that if you eat certain things, it just might bring you to the point of death.  Perhaps you should avoid that dangerous food.”
There is an internal evolutionary red-flag going off, saying that Taco Bell should never prepare eggs I will put in my mouth.  No matter if I douse said eggs with copious amounts of high fructose corn syrup, it still is going to be a very bad ending for my body.
2.  The Breakfast Taco
“The “breakfast taco” is a lot of scrambled eggs with some cheese and those little rabbit turd sausages on a tortilla.”
This was the quote linked with this picture.  I, for one, have actually made a breakfast taco at home, with all these ingredients:  tortillas, crumbled sausage and cheese.  I’ve added a bit of salsa to mine many of times and even rice.  If you are going to go all out 80s fraternity breakfast, you do it proper like Martha Stewart on Spring Break.
Again, somehow the seemingly infinite cosmic evolution of our universe has lead to my internal voice saying, “Don’t trust those eggs,” but my instinctive Americaness is going to make me eat it anyways and drag friends along with me.
3.  The Breakfast Burrito
The breakfast burrito is being ranked as standard eggs, meat and cheese.  Add a little salsa, and you’ve got a standard breakfast burrito.  What you have to remember when eating some delicious Taco Bell, you have to train your mind for the experience.
4.  The Breakfast Crunchwrap
Spicy queso cheese, tater bits, bacon bits and eggs:  this to me is the ultimate food you can be eating for breakfast.
You will have enough carbs to get through the day, and a bit of heft in your wallet for choosing to eat from a menu that just flat out will save you money.
You are not eating Nana’s little bits of fluffy, homemade tortillas sprinkled with love and kindness, served with a doting grandmother’s smile.  You are eating real Americana, you have to have the ganas to eat it properly and relish in the fact that you are not spending $8.00 you would for a gourmet burrito from some overpriced restaurant.
This food is made from the digestive elixir from the gods.  Celebrities in Hollywood go and spend thousands of dollars to do what a proper, hearty T-Bell run can do for you.  And it is so good going down, that you will do it again and again.