Is my wife a lesbian? That damning question has entered into the mind of every good husband at some point in time. The horror of thinking your wife could betray you, slipping into a tongue-flicking session of back-buckling ecstasy with her work colleagues, best friends or random stranger at the day spa can churn the stomach. Many husbands feel guilty and disgusted thinking their wife would ever candidly resort to such perversion, but the thoughts do linger. And my friends, let me be frank, your thoughts are well-substantiated.
For millions of husbands out there, nighttime represents frustrating, pensive period where the nose secretly sniffs at the air and sheets, trying to see if the ethereal wisps of faint tuna and Chanel 5 shamefully wafts from his sleeping bed partner. The shameful scent of lesbianism is lingering, a crude mixture of maritime excitement doubly masked in the lurid musks of female passion. Once a husband catches the scent of lesbianism on his wife, he may not know what to do with the evidence.
Yes indeed, in America over 55% percent of marriages end in divorce due to the seductive betrayal of lesbianism, the ultimate fetish for the female mind.
As men, we must understand the feminine form is taut and muscular, carnal and demanding: women must try to constantly curtail their innate insatiable sexuality, but being weak of the mind and flesh, they oft fail. It is too hard for women not to be attracted to one another and not want a romp in the sheets. Cosmo recently revealed a shocking statistic: over 85% of married women have tried lesbianism at some point in time. Is your wife in that number?
1. Wears sweat pants
Normal women tend to be fastidiously obsessed with their outer appearance, taking time to smear makeup on their face, don her mother’s pearls and starching a fresh apron if only making evening supper for the family. If your wife is not doing these things, but rather lazing around in Wal-mart sweatpants or even Juicy Couture, she is most likely under lesbian influence.
Lesbian clothing tends to be frumpy and thick, a pouty combination that hides her body’s curves for only the eyes of her new lesbian lover. The lazy, rainy day afternoon look of your wife may be arousing and appealing, but make no mistake. She is not doing it for you. She is keeping her body musky and oily, so her next sliding scissor session with Bertha will go down smooth as oysters.
2. Constantly fascinated with her lips
Powerful lips is a rated item in the lesbian world, no different than men comparing baseball RBIs or fantasy quarterback rating. Lesbian women are constantly impressed with the power and smoothness of each other’s lips, as the more powerful and smooth the lip muscles, the more savory the mouth acts that can be performed in bed. If you notice your addicted to Yahoo! Shine, constantly looking for tips on new lip balms and constantly stretching her lips in the mirror, put your guard up.
3. Keeps sanitary pads in her purse month-round
A common ruse of a secret lesbian is the sanitary pad technique. While at work, your lesbian wife will leave her purse opened, so a casual passer-bye can take a quick peek within. “Mmm”, her work co-worker will think, “she has had those unused pads in there for over a week, she must be on the pill or not in mense. She is advertising lesbian”. Then, with a simple wink of the eye at her and seductively quick tongue flick upon the teeth, her co-worker can reveal she too is a lesbian. During lunch, the two will mutually visit the forgotten bathroom in accounting to moisten their secret lips upon one another.
4. Obsessed with shaving her legs on non datenights
Tasks such as going to the store, going to work out or even taking the kids to soccer practice may seem routine, but the next time your wife does so, walk into the bathroom to see if she has recently shaved her legs. The spent carcass of a razor will be in the trash, or if you whiff the air, you can smell the chemical essences of Nair hair removal. Freshly shaved legs for anything other than work, anniversary or a family reunion should immediately send of the alarm bells of lesbian affair.
5. Goes commando beneath her skirt or shorts
A normal wife will hate going commando, because the act of it makes her feel itchy and dirty. She will feel like an unbathed, fragrant hippy traveling an extensive desert in an airless van, the natural moisture and sweat of the day free to flow into the nose of those all around her. But to a lesbian, that type of thing is alluring. Natural, unwashed scent of the body is a huge aphrodisiac in the lesbian world and with but a crossing of her legs, your wife can let her lesbian companions know that she isn’t with panties and between her warm, powerful thighs ‘open water’ awaits.
6. Read 50 Shades of Grey / Watched Magic Mike
This will be shocking to men, but lesbian sensuality is oft reverse scale. To us, reading Playboy or watching Coyote Ugly sends strong symbols of ancient masculinity, a fiery embrace of our primal roots of dominance and being attracted to the female form. The reverse is not true for women. Staring at the chiseled abs of Channing Tatum gyrating about, sweat sculpting his each and every muscle beneath studio film lights actually promotes lesbian thoughts and desire. When women read about Christian Grey expertly tying them up on his yacht, whipping them with Corinthian leathers as he rhythmically plummets his manhood deep and deeper within her female form, her mind can only get lesbian desires out of the mental imagery. This is because the wiring of female desire is the polar opposite of man.
7. Is a Nurse
Nursing represents the perfect field for hidden lesbianism. Bodies covered by nothing but scrubs for grueling 12-hour shifts, nurses are constantly high on adrenaline and caffeine. The dictates of powerful doctors determining their every move, the threat of patient backlash causing their stomachs to be uneasy, nurses are constantly in a wanting state of stress relief. What better tool than a lesbian frolic? It is not uncommon for nurses to hurry into bathrooms on breaks, furiously ripping their scrubs off one another and using highly skilled technique to quickly bring pleasurable release to each other’s feminine parts. The acts are quick and calculated, the aftermath easily cleansed by a wet paper towel. Any other scent caught by male colleagues is simply dismissed as the smell of ‘hard work’ in patient care.
8. Obsessed with Old Reruns of Friends and Roseanne
9/10 lesbian women are attracted to Phoebe, while Jennifer Aniston is just icing on anyone’s cake. Lesbians also have a strange fascination with Ross, as he represents a mutual hidden ‘gay friend’ who can relate to their struggles. Darlene on Roeseanne represents a burgeoning lesbian’s struggle through teenage life, so your wife may watch the show, reliving the thoughts and charades she put on as a child, somehow deep in her subconscious knowing she would one day betray her husband/Johnny Galecki to lesbianism.
9. Fails The Mattress Sniff Test
Irony. Fishy. Musked oil with a hint of Chanel. These are all words husbands who have discovered their wife is lesbian have used when describing the scent of their mattress to me. It is all too common. Other words have included ‘Gamey” and “Earthy”, words you will hate to hear your inner-man whispering into your ear when you press your nose hard into the spot where your wife sleeps, then inhale as deep as possible. But this old trick works and the results of exotic scents that come to you may send you on an unfortunate road of discovery.
10. Distracts You With Children
It may seem counter-intuitive that a secret lesbian would saddle you with children, but children are the perfect distraction for veiling a lesbian lifestyle. Onlookers would never suspect the mother of children would have lesbian desires, but stop and think: how much time do you actually spend with your wife, versus time you spend playing tea-time Sally, catch and such with your offspring? Lesbians know the call and pride of fatherhood will drive you to work longer hours, more easily accepting excuses like ‘I need to gas up the soccer-mommy mobile’ or ‘I need to go shopping all day’, time periods lesbian women will spend relentlessly pounding each other with various tools of pleasure. Be warned, children are the perfect disguise for lesbians.
11. Addicted to Pilate/Backside Sculpting Exercise
Lesbians are butt-centric. I just want to put that out there. There is nothing more seductive for the lesbian palate than seeing the toned, popping backside of your wife twitching beneath her skirt, quickly walking into the office place or going home.
12. Leaves Cute Notes in your Lunch Box
A lesbian wife is nefarious, like a modern-day Professor Moriarty lurking about your home, twisting and turning your reality to throw your off her case and crimes against marriage. A simple technique of the lesbian wife is to leave you cute, fancily written handnotes in your lunch, hearkening to an age of chivalry when man ferried off to work long hours to provide for his maiden and family. Too bad your wife is clouding you with delusions of times long past, as she laughs and invites her neighbor over for a day of hot oven baking.
13. Refuses to Eat Larger Portion/Claims To Be Dieting
Your wife will want an empty stomach most days, as the oils she uses with her new partners quickly work on the digestive system. Even if she was engaged in an act the week before, Astro-oils and the such have a lingering effect, making the belly feel fully and queasy. Do not mistake the sudden disinterest in food draw you to the conclusion she’s getting fit for you, au contraire, she is just a practicing lesbian.
14. Constantly ‘falling out’ of her tops
‘Spilling’ is another common lesbian advertising technique, a pubic relations tool that begs the onlooker to ‘glance dance if interested, but hold eye contact’. If your wife is well endowed and busty, her chest is a prime buffet of lesbian desire that comes with free drinks. While men, when confronted with an ample chest on display, will only risk a very brief and professional look, a lesbian who wants your wife will stare longer than normal and smirk her lips, staring and shaking her head.
Inside, your wife is like a cat in heat, arching the back of her inner-goddess and furiously stamping her backfeet, hardly able to contain herself with the thoughts of being mounted by your mutual female friend.
And while you will never notice, the two have communicated they will try a lesbian love meeting at some point in the future.
15. Complains if you check her Facebook/Text messages
When you sneak onto your wife’s Facebook or try to hurriedly check her text messages when she goes to the bathroom at 3am, does she get fussy? If she has nothing to hide, she will not mind you looking through these things. Sure, she may defend herself, saying none of her former boyfriends or male colleagues are on her friend’s list, but all those cute female faces liking things on her feed are potential lesbian fingers, eagerly clicking away at her electronic persona until they have a chance to ‘click away’ at her fleshier aspects.
16. Lacks Passion in Bed
Over time, a lesbian wife will lose her spark in bed. Who wants to settle for an old salami when they can have an exotic dish of caviar and fresh clams, a dish that can last for hours on end and be served multiple times? Lesbian women have a big, greedy appetite, so the 10 minutes of thrusting a good man can provide just cannot compare to the hours of intense moaning, flesh teasing passion the sensually terse acts of lesbianism can provide, explosive releases of female jubilance being had 5, 6 or even 7 times before both collapse into each other’s arms, spent of all energy.
17. Constantly Plays Video Games / Phone Games (Fruit Ninja, Angry Birds, Candy Crush)
This is a new one for consideration, but something that impacts couples of the younger generation. Video game playing increases the manual dexterity of the fingers. A person who plays video games/phone games for hours on end will have powerful hands, especially fingers that can sustain long, grueling sessions of meticulously rubbing a certain body part, namely the powerful clitoral hood region, of a lesbian lover.
While most husbands do not realize how much energy must be exerted by the forearm and fingers to achieve an external ‘burst of passion’ for his wife due to not engaging in this technique, a hearty lesbian understands and will train your wife to ‘strengthen the fingers’, and video game playing is the most common way to do so.
So the next time your wife is sitting around in her sweatpants, rolling her neck around in ecstasy as she plays Candycrash or Angry Birds on her I-phone, cock your eyebrow and listen to your gut. Be suspicious. Because underneath that calm demeanor of normalcy, discovery of secret lesbian is awaiting.