Vengeful God Makes Broncos Lose 38 – 35 to Ravens, Marijuana Law and Tebow Inspiration

Haywood Bynum III
Armchair Captain, Fantasy Footballer • TopekasNews

Forgiven of his sins, Ray Lewis is annointed by God as America’s darling. After today’s game, it has become clear that the Baltimore Ravens are America’s new David. And, boy, was it fun watching them slew the giant Goliath of a sinner known as Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos.

 

Ray Lewis – “God is amazing!  No weapon formed against us shall prosper!”

Ray Lewis’ words immediately after the Baltimore Ravens overcame the evil of the Denver Broncos are very fitting.  All year long, the sinful city of Denver, Colorado, has flagrantly gyrated their bereft morals and backstabbing habits in not only the face of America, but the face of God.

Denver’s horrible acts this year started when none other than John Elway betrayed Tim Tebow.  After promising the most promising and chaste quarterback of all time the chance to be starter this year for Denver, he fired him and sent him on to live in shame as backup with the New York Jets.  Instead of making a case for Tim Tebow — a quarterback who brought honor to Denver fans — Broncos fans turned their backs on him and forgot all about him.

Satan has brought them a shined up, old object named Peyton Manning.  Manning, who has done things like inject himself with stem cells from aborted fetuses so he can play like an 18-year-old, was their new Messiah.  And all year long, the Broncos though they could get away with that evil.

But as I preached week after week, God was watching all this.  Denver fans thought they could have their cake and eat it too.  They thought that every week, their little marijuana and dip party on Sundays was going unwatched and unpunished.  Denver popped in win after win.  Coloradoans thought the Super Bowl was all theirs.  They thought they would win the Super Bowl and celebrate with a celebrity ‘toke’ from a super bong bowl they are allegedly building somewhere outside Aurora.

But GOD always has the final lesson.

In today’s thrilling game, it remained close the entire time.  But we saw Peyton Manning throw two interceptions!  God allowed this to happen in public. to prove that if you and your athletes smoke weed this is what you can expect.  If Peyton lived in a state not tainted with the hallucinogen marijuana, he would have clearly seen that the Ravens were wearing purple and white, the Broncos, a funky orange.

Next, the miracle of Flaccos arm.  Flacco was the epitome of of Tim Tebow this game.  His beautiful, strong face giving way to a bright smile that screams American values and treating your body as a holy temple unto God.

Broncos fans, let this game be a lesson unto you.  God let you have the number one seed, so it would hurt when he chopped you down.  He toyed with your emotions and now you all sit in your homes, Cheetos stains on your shirts and marijuana buds floating in your horrible Colorado draft, flat beer.  Belch yourself to sleep and cry yourselves to sleep, because it only gets worse from here.  Next year the Kansas City Chiefs will have atoned for their sins and will be allowed to be a better team.  But for all your flagrant disregard for America and its morals, Denver, the Broncos have a long, long time before they will ever be forgiven.

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